I have also been "avoiding" my blog because I have been quite emotional about a decision that I had to make. Every time I sat down to write about it (because I wanted to remember the process), I couldn't seem to get my thoughts out.
Well, the decision has been made and I am all good with it now. After much prayer, discussion, list making, tears, and more prayer, I decided to turn down an opportunity to go back to work in a positions that I SO WANTED!! The details don't really matter, but for the first time in a LONG time I was truly conflicted about what I "should" do. It came down to making a hard choice but one that I am confidant was Spirit led. The reasons are many and really not even necessary to list. Suffice it to say that it came down to one thing and one big thing...I can't be the kind of wife and mother that I want to be and juggle the responsibilities of a big job. It wasn't an easy decision for me by any means. I kept trying to figure out how I could achieve that ever-elusive work/self/motherhood balance. I am not sure such a thing is even possible.
With a couple weeks behind me, I now have a peaceful heart about it and know that I did make the right decision to continue to focus on my job as a mom!
I realize that I, like so many mothers, I will make thousands of choices in how I want to live my life as 'mother'. Most of them will be tiny, little, unnoticeable choices to say NO to someone, sometimes myself, and YES to someone or something else, mostly my children. And sometimes, they will be bigger, more difficult choices, like a job turned down or a career set aside.
Nothing that will bring attention to me as a hero or someone extraordinary, certainly not something to award me for, or bring me fame of any kind. Just the opposite, actually. Things that might bring attention away from me for sure. Ordinary things that usually go unnoticed.
A no to something, means a yes to something else, I once read.
It may sound cliche, but I have a lifetime (I hope) to accomplish all I want...decades that I will be able to take that nap, sleep through the night, reintroduce that planned career, go on that trip. But a short time to be MOTHER to my young children. Years I can never ever get back, and they can't either.
"It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”
