WHY?
Well, because I have a bunch of "bad stuff" on my mind! I am in need of a good ol' vent!
So much stuff swirling around in my head...a bunch of little things....and some big things too!!
I guess what I want this post to be about is "motherhood"--the good, the bad and the not-so-wonderful! (consider yourself warned)
OK, I am in a mood and this post will reflect my "mood"--(I am hoping it will pass soon!)
I think that society places too much importance on outward appearances (I could write an entire post about that one sentence). We all have to have happy families with smiling faces and clean homes. The facts is, motherhood is hard and sometimes happiness is hard to find in the midst of the chaos of motherhood. (speaking for myself).
I think that motherhood is an especially touchy subject when it comes to happiness. I'm love my children, but there are times when I think "what was I thinking??" The fact is that just because I am a mother, doesn't always mean that I am happy and joyous every moment of the day.
I guess that is what I am feeling. I want to scream that motherhood isn't all sunshine and rainbows....in fact, in order to have a rainbow, you need to have some rain. Being a Mom is great, but can, at times, be infuriating. There are many times that I feel defeated or like I've lost myself, or that perhaps I wasn't cut out for this mom-gig after all.
What I am trying to remember right now is that all of these feelings are part of being a mom. My children aren't happy little things that do good every moment of the day. They make messes, they talk back, they wake up screaming, they break things, they spill things, sometimes it seems like they look for things to do that will make me want to scream. I am overwhelemd by the fact that it is tough to get my kids to focus and do what they need to do and within a schedule. I have anxiety around the other mothers...at school...at church....out and about. I can't help feel like they are better and happier at motherhood than I am. I can't help feel isolated because I am a reserved person compared to them, and I'm not apart of any established (gossipy) cliques. I also do not have a job (yes, I know I am a mom of 5-but you know...a $$$$$ job!). This adds to my feelings of being an unhappy mother, because I don't have day-to-day conversations with adults to vent my frustrations or to commiserate.
Lately, I want forget more than I want to remember (hence the writers block)...I want to forget how sad I was last week after I sent both Alexander, Matthew and Catherine off to school crying because they were in trouble about something or another. I hate when that happens.
For the most part, my kids are well-behaved kids, kind, generous, thoughtful, outgoing, etc...(insert your "mom-brag" words here...) Most days, I feel so grateful for my life and how blessed I am and how lucky I am to have a loving husband and five children.
But motherhood is HARD!! I just pray that I can provide the mothering it takes to make them feel safe, happy, secure and happy to be at home everytime they walk in the door. I pray that I can learn to be a better parent, to understand my them better, to listen patiently to what they have to say and to understand all their questions kindly. I need to work on not interrupting them, talking back to them and contradicting them. I need to be more courteous to them...as I would have them be to me.
Bottom line: I am not always a "Happy Mom", but I love being a MOM--even with the good, bad and not-so-wonderful!!
